1. Remember at all times that you have ear wax.
2. At your job, do not do your work. Instead, cover your desk with coffee rings.
3. Tell your spouse that you want a dirigible for Christmas.
4. If you are on trial for murder, take it lightly. Ask for a French croissant and a Danielle Steel novel.
5. If someone talks about genealogy, say you are descended from Gwyneth Paltrow.
6. Develop a silly philosophy of life. For example, you might say that you idolize spiders.
7. When someone asks to see your ID, show your appendicitis scar instead.
8. Quit balancing your checkbook. That is, unless you balance it on your head.
9. If someone starts to discuss politics, change the subject. You might talk about your laundry.
10. If someone starts a fight with you, tickle him. Carry feathers for this purpose.
11. Do not associate with bankers, lawyers, or undertakers. They are all too solemn to get your one-liners.
12. When you file your tax returns, sign them “Bugs Bunny.”
13. Tell people that you laugh at death. If you are watching a movie and the word “death” is mentioned, laugh out loud.
14. If someone invites you to a party, say yes. Ask if you can bring your pet puma.
15. Go to a doctor and say that your tulcea is bothering you. The doctor will never find it in a medical dictionary. Tulcea is a city in Romania.